Discovering Kindness and Courage in the Body

Elizabeth was a manager in a large organization with significant experience under her belt. She came into coaching as she was dealing with some challenges in more than one of her professional relationships. One of her subordinates was continuously uncooperative and difficult to communicate with. He was unwilling to take accountability and turned rude when questioned about his deliverables. This was a pattern and one occasion, he said something which she felt ‘cut her to the bone’. When his behavior turned rude, Elizabeth didn’t feel capable to respond in a way that ensured her dignity was intact, without damaging the relationship.

She also reported having issues with her boss, who she assessed as being unsupportive in the face of ambiguity. He did not trust her to manage her stakeholders independently and often had meetings with them without including her. The expectations from the stakeholders were then relayed to her as second-hand information, which often caused confusion to her and her team to execute.

She said she was tired of not feeling up to it and constantly being judged. The coach suggested that if she was tired and carrying on with that way of being, it must be taking care of something important for her. She went quiet for some time and said she had endured a relationship where she had to go through a lot of verbal and in some cases, physical abuse. She had learnt that keeping a low profile and not responding during conflict kept her safe. She continued that behavior at work and was not expressing herself freely or speaking up for herself when needed. She had also labeled it as professional behavior and felt there was no way out of it.

The coach first acknowledged that the behavior did indeed keep her safe. Then, she was asked if there was a way to keep herself safe and also, express herself to contribute meaningfully. She wondered if such a thing was possible and took some time with it. The coach then asked her to describe the kind of person she would like to be. She said she recalled herself being a kind and caring person and felt that she would want to be remembered as that – a kind and caring person. She shared a recent experience where she showed up that way and felt truly connected to what she cared about. She was also able to express herself freely without fear.

At that point, the coach asked her to stand up and relive that experience and notice herself. She was asked to pay attention to her breathing, posture and how she felt in her body. This was a significant moment in the coaching where the client was able to clearly describe and also embody a desired way of being. She took a few seconds to organise herself and said – “This feels very good”.

Then, the coach asked her to think about herself as the person who lacked confidence and notice herself in that shape. She took a few moments to organise herself as a tentative, shy person and said, “This is not comfortable”. She was feeling tense in her shoulders and her breathing got shallow. She was then asked to move back and forth between the new and helpful way of being and the old way of being to strike a comparison and clearly experience the differences. With that knowledge, she was convinced she could switch on the ‘new and helpful’ way of being anytime she needed. This new shape would give her the resourcefulness she needed in any scenario. With a felt, somatic experience of a new way of being, she felt confident about engaging with the world.

Finally, the coach asked her if she was willing to give herself permission to fully embrace and live from this new way of being. She replied with a clear yes. In the follow up sessions, she reported being calm and wise in dealing with many work and home situations which may have otherwise sent her into a defensive, less effective way of being.