If you can't win, will you play?

I recently saw ‘The Glorious Life of Ian Chappell,’ an hour-long show celebrating the legacy of one of Australia’s greatest cricket captains. Amongst the many qualities that defined the man, I was struck by the fierce competitiveness he carries to this day.

In a defining moment where he’s with a few young kids, he says, “I only ever found one reason to play the game; and that was to win.”

What that friendly advice doesn’t capture fully, is the experience of holding that belief and inspiring ten other men to believe in your way of thinking.

Game after game, year after year, it is a cross one cannot carry with integrity if you don’t embody the equanimity needed to accept the other side of the coin.

Losing.

Sometimes to a better team, sometimes to circumstances and other times to sheer luck.

Competition shapes our orientation

While competitiveness is the passport for those who seek any sporting summit, competing is a quality we all need. Regardless of what we may pursue, we need it in good measure – from a seat on the bus, to being heard in a rowdy meeting or that career opportunity everyone wants, but only one will walk away with.

Yes, life is about collaborating and co-operation and yet, competing has its place; almost as much in the natural world as it does in modern-day business.

With its strong influence on our psyche, competition can orient us in particularly unique ways where we feel something important is at stake. Such an orientation can predispose us to a certain arc of possibility or a range of actions. For example, if we love to compete, we are hankering just to play the game. In the same interview, Ian Chappell talks about the lessons he learnt about accepting failure as a young child and how that helped him play the game in the long run.

Our orientation towards competition can also limit our range of action. An example could be how some of us might be inclined to competing over collaborating or accommodating. Then, there is no concept of choosing our battles wisely. Everyone we encounter is a potential adversary. Every opportunity a chance to prove we’re right or better than others. When we are oriented as such, accommodating or ‘letting it go’ would seem like a loser’s choice.

At the other end of this spectrum is the aversion to compete. In that corner, there is plenty available for everyone in the world. We don’t have to fight when we can be smart about how we frame our

needs. From such a place, competition might seem like a juvenile trait carried too far.

Competition helped us evolve, then develop

Sociologists point out that competition pre-dates co-operation and goes right back to the ‘hunter-gatherer’ times of our species. Therefore, the imprint of this trait is embedded deep in our reptilian brain.

The recognition of something valuable being in limited supply and the possibility of us being deprived of it is enough to trigger this primal instinct.

While our early competing was for biological reasons, social and economic concerns drive our competitive instincts today. The movie ‘Jingle all the way’ tells the hilarious story of two fathers literally going to war as they fight over a certain Christmas gift for their child.

The greatest gift of sports is perhaps its evolution of competition as a great teacher for us. As we compete, we get better. In fact, we only get better when we play the ‘major leagues’ or take on people who are superior players of our game. In time, we learn to subordinate the win-loss construct of competition to that of ongoing development.

This is the proverbial sweet spot.

However, locating it is not as simple as 'playing' more often. The layers of economic & sometimes, social concerns we carry lends more shades of grey to competition. Sometimes, we can reach a threshold where the distinctions between wanting to win and wanting to compete get blurred.

What does that mean?

Competition makes us assess our chances before we take them. Usually, we straddle three fundamental questions.

What is at stake?

Who are we up against?

What are our chances?

If we are preoccupied with winning (and not competing), it can have a funny (and irrational) impact on our competing instinct.

If you can’t win, will you play?

One of my clients grappled with this dilemma for most of their life, but was unaware of its impact and, its influence on his thinking. This was a senior leader used to winning through most his life (and therefore, quite successful in his career). With the competitive mindset, he often saw others as ‘opponents’ to be defeated – in conversations, interviews, career opportunities or sometimes, even in getting the attention of someone at a dinner table. If he assessed that his chances of winning were slim, he chose to withdraw from the ‘game.’

“I’d rather not play if I can’t win” became the silent belief that influenced his choices.

It’s a belief that holds a lot of sportspeople at gunpoint at some point in their careers. They may still have a lot to offer to the game, but they would rather not play than look ‘bad,' and have their reputation tarnished. It's not an easy dilemma to resolve, especially if it's a team sport and there are younger, fitter players waiting for your spot. There are no right answers, and the dots only connect backwards.

As a bonus, forfeiting an opportunity made this person bitter and resentful towards whoever he perceived as having the upper hand. This made his ‘world’ feel like an unfair place, where undeserving people were disproportionately rewarded. It set up a vicious loop of self-sabotaging behaviour that was limiting his effectiveness as a leader.

However, once he recognized that his ‘addiction to win’ also influenced how he chose and set his goals, he realized the grip of his mindset and its silent belief. The core belief of 'Why I should compete’ came from a story he learnt in childhood. The story was somewhat like this:

You are worthy of love and respect only if you win.

In that moment, he felt something shift. He could see how competing could be an empowering experience if he was able to release the expectation to win all the time. He could also believe that he was worthy as a human for simply ‘playing the game.’ That opened new possibilities which were not available to him until he was trapped in his old story.

Becoming aware of our unique competitive instinct

With its historical, primal and nurturing dimensions, competition can reveal at lot about our nature, specifically in how we connect it our notion of worthiness. This includes:

1. Knowing our fundamental orientation towards competing – are we drawn towards or away from competition?

2. Based on our orientation, recognizing the place for competition, especially when other options to resolve conflict such as accommodating, compromising or collaborating are available.

3. Understanding the developmental value of competition. Who we play with says a lot about why we play.

4. Becoming resourceful with competition by consciously stretching the limits of our preferred orientation.

5. Being able to discern between ‘wanting to win’ and ‘wanting to compete’

We all remember experiences where we are simply immersed in an activity only for the joy of doing it. We are at our best when we are in flow and that, perhaps is the greatest influence competition has on our behaviour.

Personally, I can vividly recall the intensity a friendly game of cricket could bring when even something trivial was at stake. It’s perhaps why I was instantly drawn to that particular quote of Ian Chappell.

So, if you know can’t win, will you play?