We first write stories and then they write ours.

The stories we love best live in us forever – J. K. Rowling

Human beings and stories have a relationship that goes back to the very roots of our civilization. Stories have helped to build values, learn one’s culture and become a good human being. They engage emotionally and leave a deep imprint on our way of being. As temporal beings, we are drawn to stories due to their compelling format – Once upon a time….then one day….and in the end… This structure makes stories our preferred choice of interpreting reality. They powerfully shape how we observe the world and navigate through it.

How stories take residence within us?

Besides history or mythology, each community/ family holds stories that silently influence us as narratives (our version of a story). Our stories also emanate from the birthplace of the many identities we hold about gender, demographic background, race, class, sexual orientation, role in society and organizations etc. These form a large part of our continuous internal chatter about ourselves, what we care about and the world, at large. If a person is late for a meeting by five minutes, the reactions of others in the meeting will vary vastly based on the narrative they hold about being on time. Within microseconds, that narrative is relayed from the brain and the automatic reactions associated with it, follow. Our nervous system (and brain) relies on stories to orient us in a particular way and then offers us a range of actions to choose from. With time, some of these actions become habits that run on autopilot. In other words, we first write the story. Then the story runs us.

However, what if the stories we love best are not entirely true? And, what might happen if they actually live in us forever?

Unquestioned loyalty to certain stories can significantly narrow our horizon of choice. This can leave us torn between what seem like polarities. For example, one could be pushed to feel that ‘I can either be honest and miserable or dishonest and rich’. In thinking so, we become ‘incapable’ of seeing the vast range of options available between those extremes. Inevitably, we resign ourselves to fall back on our well-practiced habits, which produce the results we always had.

So, how to not let stories ‘run’ us?

When we look underneath some of our strong beliefs and/or habits, we may most likely find a story/narrative. A belief that it’s ok to cheat could have its roots in a story that came from the person’s experience. A simple habit of shaving everyday will have some narrative behind it. When we dissect that, its components are revealed to us which are:

· Facts: Verifiable information about events, people, places, results, things etc

· Assessments: Our opinions of how things were/are or should be, why & how this story is useful, in what context etc

· Generalizations: The final meaning that we choose to infer from the story which shapes our orientation towards the world.

So, for the same facts, two individuals can create very different generalizations. We can hold stories which are not fully grounded in facts or whose application is in a specific context. The generalizations from such stories can at best work as outdated maps. In the worst-case, they can make us feel incapable of coping and not worthy as a human being. Therefore, it is important to review the stories beneath our beliefs and habits, preferably with a coach, friend or trusted partner.

Deconstructing and reconstructing

I recently had a conversation with a coaching client where this happened. The client is a senior executive in a growing company. COVID-19 has hit their business hard, causing serious revenue shortfall and cash flow concerns. In response, my client has been on overdrive in trying to get new business. However, what has so far happened is far from what he wants. He is experiencing high levels of stress, increased heart rate and a general mood of anxiety that keeps him ‘on the edge’ all the time. Obviously, this has also created an atmosphere for his team that he describes as hostile. He is clear it needs to change.

When we dipped into this, we landed on a story. It went like this – In tough times, we have to work doubly hard and be hyper productive as that may be the only thing in our control. This generalization served him well so far and built his credibility as a reliable leader. Now, the hyper productive drive pushed him commit to timelines that were too aggressive. This timeline pressure compromised the team’s capability to create original, creative solutions. So, they huffed and puffed proposals out on time, but will they convince the buyer? This uncertainty further frustrated and added to the anxiety, creating a vicious loop.

When he reviewed his story, he acknowledged that being on time was not the only factor in his control (quality, creativity, customer focus etc were other equally important ones). He also acknowledged that being on time at the expense everything else was not helping his cause. So, he agreed to modify his story and give himself permission to relax. This gives his team more space to think and provide better solutions. It sounds like common sense now, but this perspective is not available to us when we are in the grip of a story we have loved.

Stories in the time of COVID-19

As you go through this, you might pause and reflect:

· What habits or beliefs are you passionately committed to?

· How are they taking care of your most important concerns today?

· What change are you prepared to make to the underlying story to align with what you really want?

On reflection, we may find some useful insights like my client. Or, we may find some new facts which change the character of the story completely. We can see this in how history is reinterpreted when viewed from the lens of new facts available today. In essence, small changes to our stories can have a big impact on how we cope with today’s stressful times.

In fact, this blog took birth as I questioned one of my own stories about sharing my experience on social media! So, even in uncertain times like today, it is possible for us to embody a whole new perspective by questioning our most loved stories. This perspective can feel like a new window to look at life. Through that window, we can experience the spaciousness of choice and freedom which perhaps seems impossible now. From that space, we can take new actions that are aligned with what truly matters to us.

#lifestyle #decisionmaking